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Ask Sensei: How to Help My Sister Fleeing Violence?
Published on October 31, 2025
Sensei,
My older sister has been dating a guy for many years and had recently moved in with him. He has recently become violent with her and – not tolerating the violence – she decided to move out. She is now trying to get her belongings from the house they both once shared, but seems to be blocked at every angle.
He won’t allow her back in the house and the local police are of little help; seeming to blame her for the situation she is in. I want to help my sister, but it seems my hands are tied because if I did anything about it to help my sister, I would get into trouble, put myself at risk and my sister still wouldn’t have her stuff.
What can I do?
— Helpless Younger Brother
Sensei’s Response:
Helpless Younger Brother,
First, let’s be very clear: your sister is incredibly strong, and she did the single most important thing—she left. Your frustration with the situation, with her ex, and with the unhelpful police response (like when police won’t help retrieve belongings) is completely valid. It is an outrage, and it’s a tragically common one. You are right to be angry. You are also right to be cautious. Your instinct that “doing something” could get you in trouble is correct. This is no longer just a “breakup”; it is a volatile domestic violence situation, and her belongings are being used as a tool of power and control.
The feeling of your hands being tied is designed by him. It’s part of the abuse. But you are not helpless. Your role here is not to be the enforcer; it is to be the advocate, the planner, and the support system. Her safety is the only priority. Her “stuff” is a distant second.
This situation is now procedural and legal. Here is what you can do to help.
Phase 1: Get Expert Help Immediately
Your sister should not be navigating this alone, and neither should you. You need to contact a domestic violence advocacy group or the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They are experts in exactly this and are the best resources for domestic violence survivors. They can help you with domestic violence safety planning, understanding local laws, and connecting you with free legal aid. This is your most important call.
Phase 2: The “Civil Standby”
The police’s response is unacceptable, but you may not have used the specific “magic words.” What your sister needs to request is a “civil standby” or “police escort.” So, what is a civil standby? It’s a standard procedure where officers accompany a person to a residence to retrieve essential personal belongings in a volatile situation. This is a key part of how to get belongings from an abusive ex safely.
She should call the non-emergency police line (not 911) and state clearly: “I am a victim of domestic violence who has fled my home. I need to schedule a civil standby with an officer to retrieve my essential belongings and medication.” This phrasing explains how to schedule a police escort to get belongings. If the dispatcher is unhelpful, she should ask to speak to a supervisor or a domestic violence liaison, which many departments have.
Phase 3: Escalate to a Protective Order
If the police remain unhelpful, the next step is the legal system. You can help your sister go to the local courthouse and file for a Protective Order (also called a Restraining Order). This is where getting a protective order for property becomes essential. In the petition, she must detail the violence and state that he is blocking her from retrieving her property (for example, “my ex won’t let me get my things”).
A judge can include a “move-out order” or a specific provision granting her temporary, police-enforced access to the home to get her things. This turns the excuse that “police say it’s a civil matter domestic violence” into a direct court order that they must enforce.
Phase 4: Your Role as Support
Your hands are not tied. Here is how to support someone fleeing abuse:
• Be the researcher: You find the number for the local DV shelter. You find the address for the courthouse.
• Be the documentarian: Help her write down everything—dates of violence, threats, every text message he sends, every time she called the police, and the names of the officers who were unhelpful. This is evidence.
• Be the rock: Sit with her while she makes these calls. Drive her to the courthouse. Remind her that her safety is worth more than any couch, TV, or piece of clothing. Her “stuff” is just “stuff.” It is replaceable. She is not.
Do not, under any circumstances, contact him yourself. Do not go to the house. Any action you take will be seen as escalation and could put both you and your sister in greater physical and legal danger. You will help her by being strategic, not by being a vigilante. Retrieving property after leaving an abuser is a process that must prioritize safety above all else.