Educational purposes only. This column provides advice on mindset and is not a substitute for professional legal or medical services.
Sensei Duncan,
I was sitting on my boat waiting for my BBQ order when I saw something I still can’t quite explain. A delivery man was waiting on the docks for us to finish docking. Two teenagers started harassing him and eventually attacked him. One pulled on his bag and ended up in the water. The other threw a punch and ended up in the water on the other side.
The delivery man never hit them. He never even raised his voice. While they were still in the water, he told them it was stupid, and then offered to buy them lunch the next day. I was so impressed by the delivery guy’s behavior and attitude that I gave him a $100 tip, but I felt like I watched someone perform magic. What did I just see?
— Witness on the Water
You Saw a Choice, Not a Fight
Dear Witness on the Water,
What you saw wasn’t magic. It was the result of a person who had already decided how the interaction would end before it even began. Most people enter a conflict and wait for the other person to set the tone. They react to aggression with more aggression. But if you have a map of human behavior, you don’t have to react. You can simply preside over the situation.
Excerpt from: The Identity Bridge
When you frame a person’s negative behavior as an activity that is lesser than who they really are, you create a contradiction they must resolve. You aren’t attacking their character; you are showing them that their current act doesn’t fit the person they want to be. Read the full guide here.
The reason that delivery man could stay calm is that he wasn’t looking at those boys as enemies. He saw them as variables. He knew that their aggression was based on a desire to feel superior. By refusing to resist their force, he allowed their own momentum to remove them from the dock. He didn’t throw them in the water. They used their own power to put themselves there because they were pulling and pushing against a man who wasn’t fighting back.
This works because 92% of social friction is driven by ego. When you stop feeding that ego, the conflict has nowhere to go. You aren’t just protecting yourself; you are protecting the integrity of the moment. By the time those boys were in the water, their tough act had been proven to be useless. They were wet, cold, and sitting in the consequence of their own choices.
How to Manage the Momentum
Whether you are dealing with a teenager on a dock or a difficult person at work, the logic remains the same. You don’t have to win an argument if you can redirect the energy of the person who is trying to fight you.
1. Label the Activity, Not the Person
The delivery man told them their actions were stupid. He didn’t say they were stupid boys. This is an important distinction. If you attack someone’s character, they will fight to defend it. If you label their behavior as an activity that is separate from who they are, you give them a path to stop doing it without losing face. You are essentially telling them they are better than the act they are performing.
2. Frame the Choice as a Downgrade
When you offer a person a choice between being reasonable or continuing to act like a jerk, you make the negative behavior look like an unnecessary effort. Most people want to believe they are rational and good. By framing the pushy behavior as something lesser, you make them want to return to their true nature. They drop the act to save their own dignity.
3. Provide an Exit
By offering to buy them lunch the next day, the delivery man provided a path for them to prove they were reasonable people. He didn’t lecture them or make them apologize. He gave them an invitation to a different identity. If they chose to show up, I can imagine (based on your report of the delivery guy’s behavior) they wouldn’t be seen as trouble-makers anymore—they would be guests.
Giving the person exhibiting negative behavior the choice to take a different, more attractive path helps that person prove they are the person they think they are inside.
Action for Today
The delivery man didn’t have tunnel vision. He had soft eyes and saw the whole dock. Today, try the Tactical Exhale. Do not just take a deep breath. Instead, blow all the air out of your lungs as if through a straw. Empty yourself completely. Notice how your weight drops into your feet and your vision opens up. This is how you stay in the driver’s seat when things get loud.